Growing up, the first experience I remember is feeling ashamed of the attraction I had for other boys my age. It felt like I was alone with my desires, and I didn’t have any gay role models until I was well out of high school.
The church was also a big sore spot in finding my own identity. For the longest time, I felt as though I needed to stay closeted to maintain my relationship with everyone at the church and with god. Leaving the church when I graduated high school was what I needed to find my own path through life.
Discovering Buddhist psychology, meditation, and subsequently spirituality have allowed me to integrate my identity as a gay man into the fullness of who I am. I work with shame and guilt as we all do, and I’ve also worked through the religious trauma linked to not trusting the thoughts/feelings in my head and body.
This religious trauma was blocking my ability to connect with spirit on the deeper levels.
Working with Shame & Other Emotions
Knowing what emotions are arising is one thing, but being able to feel them and offer them over to spirituality in a way that provides a framework for true healing can provide more liberation on the path to true inner purpose.
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What I've Worked Through - Can Help Others
- Awareness of Relationship Challenges – Working on the parts of myself that found difficulties in relationship with others. Self-forgiveness work surrounding the pieces I could take responsibility for.
- Attachment Theory Work – Paying attention to my habits of interchangeably clinging and avoiding. I spent time meditating in the club to attend to this, and have had experiences since that fall outside of old patterns
- Hookup Balance – Paying attention to the need for sexual interaction and exploring the desires to allow for experiences not based on Grindr/Sniffies/Scruff.
- Hookup App Dysregulation – Understanding how the hookup apps impacted my nervous system. Noticing how much time I committed to finding the “best hookup”. Seeing what happens when this energy is spent elsewhere other than hookups.
- Comfort with Diversity – Feeling comfortable in spaces with people who are perceived as more “conservative”. Living outside of a major city in NC allowed for me to ground in with people who shifted my perspective on how they view me as a gay man. A lot of my experience was based in fear.
- Giving Compliments as Growth – Overcoming the fear of complimenting men who may or may not be interested in other men. Noticing how my compliments tended to be generic and specific, like complimenting a particular clothing item rather than overall appearance. Shifting this to overall appearance, such as “You’re beautiful” or “handsome” and recognizing it as more authentic.
Current Growth Areas
- Shifting Focus – Placing attention on things that provide joy and sustainability for work. Hoping that energy spent in this way will cultivate sexual encounters and partnership.
- PDA – Shame around public display of affection (PDA). I notice this when I’m witnessing anyone, gay or not, having a PDA moment.
- Flirting – Discomfort surrounding flirting with men without knowing if they’re attracted to men at all. Living in the south, and being in the mental health system during marriage equality didn’t allow for me to experience the wide acceptance.
- Surrender – Working with spirit in regards to relationships. Witnessing the energy working surrounding the continual deconditioning of my mind and how I react internally (emotions, feelings, and thoughts) around men in general.